What a bright little ray of sunshine.

I can recite the words to most Disney classic songs.
When someone says, "Hey, now," I either think of All-Star or The Lizzie McQuire movie.
I reread my favorite book at least once most years, it's The Truth About Forever.
I love Harry Potter and when I need something to think about before bed to get my mind off whatever I'm stressed about or scared about I play the first movie in my head, I can do the whole thing line by line.
If that doesn't work then I plan my wedding. I doubt the details I've chosen will stick but it's fun to think about.
I love my job. No matter how much I complain about it, I do love it. I get to have fun at work with great people. The customers aren't always fabulous but sometimes you get a good one that makes it worth it.
People keep asking me where I see myself, or what my dream job is. I can't answer this one honestly in an interview. I want to have kids and stay with them. I want to have a relationship with my kids that aren't even conceived yet. That's what I want to do with the rest of my life. Maybe when they're old enough I'll go out and do something. I want them to be my career. It's the only think I've ever been passionate about and I don't even know if I'll get that chance.
This is me. I just need to find someone that understands and accepts that.

Why, Hello, there.

It's been a while, no? I just thought I'd come back and try to do this thing. Everyone has been doing a hash tag on twitter for #40thingsaboutme so here's mine :)
1) I can't watch scary things. Even comedies. Zombieland still gives me nightmares.
2) I have one of the best jobs ever, no matter how much I complain about it.
3) My family is amazing. I would do anything for any of them.
4) I used to not feel this way about my family. I used to not like them very much and was dead set on getting as far away from them as possible. Now I'm not sure I could stand to be more than an hour away.
5) Reading is my passion. I'm bad about rereading old stuff instead of finding new things though.
6) I may claim that I hate people frequently but in general I don't mind them. It's only when customers are being dumb that I get frustrated.
7) After I take a shower I use a beach towel instead of a bath towel, because they are softer.
8) I bite my nails.
9) I like to drink socially.
10) When I get angry I cuss like a sailor.
11) Retail therapy works.
12) When I read a book I literally feel like I am part of that story. I become the main character and I live through them.
13) I could read quotes for hours. My favorites right now of Eistein, Twain, and Marilyn Monroe.
14)A movie doesn't have to be great for me to like it. As long as it keeps me entertained for the length of time it is playing, I'll enjoy it.
15) I hate when people look for deeper meanings in something that obviously won't have it.
16) Yet I tend to be someone who places meanings into things that shouldn't have them.
17) I sometimes genuinely think I am a horrible person.
18) It took me too many times that it should have to spell "genuinely" Thank God for spell check.
19) In fourth grade I cheated (a lot) on spelling tests.
20) I also faked my reading log because I hated to read.
21) I read Junie B. Jones books well into middle school.
22) After reading "A Wrinkle in Time" I was hooked on Madeline L'Engle.
23) I think green in my favorite color but it could change tomorrow.
24) I used to have my life all planned out. I was going to be married at 22. 2-3 kids by 30. Steady job, fabulous husband, lots of money.
25) Now, I don't even know what I want out of life, but figuring it out sure will be fun!
26) I've used the same comforter since I was four.
27) Bugs scare the hell out of me. If I see a bug I will scream and try to get away as quickly as possible. And make sure it dies.
28) My nose is my least favorite feature.
29) Eyes are the first thing I look at.
30) Sense of humor really is one of the most important things.
31) I can cook, I just don't know a lot of recipes.
32) I actually really enjoy cooking and baking.
33) While I may seem a bit bitter at my friends getting married and starting lives together I really am happy for them. They deserve the world.
34) I'm striving to looks for a man who looks at me the way my Uncle Johnny looks at my Aunt Peggy. Or knows me as well as my Pawpaw knows my Mawmaw.
35) I'm from the South. Get over it.
36) I don't like BBQ or peaches.
37) Sweet tea is amazing though.
38) I am the biggest klutz you will ever or have ever met.
39) I can do nothing artistic. At all.
40) I like who I am and I love who I will be.

Angstangstangst

Everyone is falling in love and getting married and I'm so behind the curb I can't even wonder what it might be like. I don't get it. Is it because I care so much? If so that's got to be the stupidest thing I have ever heard. If that were true then I would have found the love of my life this past semester. I didn't even care about anything but myself and school and akpsi. All I wanted was to do well and get in to akpsi. And I did. Now it's summer and I don't have anything to focus on but how my friends (and exes) are all finding the loves of their lives. And even if they haven't found that special person yet, they've at least found someone to share a simple part of their life with. I had three months. Three months is nothing. Why not me?

Figuring it all out...

I am smart.
I am pretty, sometimes beautiful, always lovely.
I care way too much and trust entirely too much.
I trust God.
I'm working my way through school.
I was hurt a long time ago and still haven't gotten over it.
I attach myself to people and when they leave it hurts more than it should.
I bottle all my feelings up only letting the people closest to me see them.
I've been hurt by my dad, an ex, and most guys I've ever had feelings for...but I still believe that there is one guy out there who will treat me like the princess I am.
I'm spoiled.
I'm sassy.
I'm a brat.
I'm one of the most caring people you will ever meet.
It kills me when anyone has anything bad to say about me.
I take things incredibly personally.
I am generally a happy person.
I like to wallow in my sadness though.
Sometimes I just enjoy the beautiful melancholy of sadness.
Being around people is what gets me out of my moods.
I used to do somethings I'm not proud of and sometimes I still get the urge, but I know now that it's not worth it.
I crave the life of a mother. It's in my nature. I want kids and I want to stay home with them, maybe only until they go off to school, but I want to be there for my kids when they come into my life.
I love compliments.
I hate wearing shoes or socks.
I love reading, but only if it's not required.
My mom is the strongest person I know. I never realized how much she went through until I go back and think about it now. I could have made life so much easier on her. I hope I'm doing better now.
My sister and I have always had a rocky relationship, but I don't think I could be everything that I am today without her. She's as much a part of my life as the left side of my brain.
My life has been up in the air here lately, but all the little pieces are falling together. At least in my brain.
Once this semester is over, I think I'm home free. College will still be work, but I can actually see the end in sight now.
My friends keep me sane, new and old. They are all learning about me everyday and helping me get through this crazy time in life.
I love wearing dresses.
I'm anxious for the rest of my life to begin, but I'm dealing with now just fine too.
I'm going to go through and read this every time I start feeling down.
I know I'm not the only person in the world with problems, but when you're having problems you don't want to deal with anyone else's.
Bright colors brighten my mood.
That's all for now, but I might add on later. Somehow all of these things add up to the person I'm becoming. I'm not quite done yet, and I don't know if I ever will be. But that's the point of life. Figuring everything out, whether it takes 20 years or 98. :)

April 16th addition
In light of all these things about me it is really hard for me to see why I don't have someone who loves me. I'm blessed in my life to have such an amazing family base and my friends are kick ass. But I want someone to have a connection with. I want to be able to learn all these little things about someone else because that's when you truly know someone. When you can tell anyone else that person's preference on socks and shoes. When you know exactly how many ice cubes they want in a drink, or with a single look can tell that they are thirsty. Even if its just luck, having that weird almost ESP with someone is special. I'm so incredibly lucky to share that with people like my sister, and my best friends. They mean the world to me. I crave more though. I crave the person that can read my mind and know that with one look, I want to be alone, or I want to be held or I'm cold. I want to know someone that well. And I want someone to get to know me that well. I want that mutual love and affection that I KNOW still exists somewhere. I will find it. I don't know when and I don't know how but I know it's out there still.

This is my cry for help. I'm slowly losing my mind here. I've realized about myself that I want love so badly that when I get anywhere near it I blow it so much out of proportion that my heart gets shattered into a thousand pieces before I ever give it away. I'm breaking my own heart. I'm damaged and probably irreparable.

Ever seen The Holiday? When Cameron Diaz's character freaks out about women finding love because they start to look haggard? And women over 30 have a better chance of being killed by a terrorist than finding love? Yeah, I'm on the verge of having a similar freak out. I'm living in a town where there are frequently thousands of people trying to do the exact same thing I'm doing. And not only are we running out of room here, our university president is trying to fit even MORE people on campus. Which means less apartments/living spaces available for those of us who have been here for two years already. I don't know what to do. I need somewhere to live but I just can't seem to find anywhere. I don't want to live in a crappy apartment again. I want to live somewhere nice where I feel safe. But I think the only way to do that is have a roommate and I just don't have anyone that I want to live with. Plus the only places that do roommate matching are super expensive and it's slightly ridiculous. Frustrating does not even begin to describe this process.

Happy Post!

This is the spring break I was meant to have. I had fun with my best friends at the begining and I made a couple bucks working but today has just been awesome. I was on the beach at 11. Had lunch and then went back out till about 4. I got dressed and then went out to dinner with my amazing family. We has Mexican :) Then we went to this cute little bar called TC's Front Porch for their karaoke night. I sang TWO songs! And I had the time of my life. I don't care if I'm not the most amazing sing in the world! I had guys at the bar singing along with me and cheering and it was AWESOME! I only wish my sister and my friends were down here too. It would have definitely made it even better. Who needs boys? Not me! Not with as high as I'm flying by myself right now! Tomorrow is going to be awesome too! We're going to lay out and then hit an outlet mall and after that, we get to have dinner with cousin's awesome husband! I'm so excited. This is by far the greatest spring break ever. :)

Too much.

I don't know what it is but when an ex gets someone new you can't help but compare yourself to them. Or at least I can't. I mean even if you're only with the person for a short time its still a big part of your life. You learn so much in a relationship and you grow up so much. Or at least I do. I don't want any one of my ex's to be sad for the rest of their lives. I'm happy for them. They deserve to be happy. But that doesn't mean I don't deserve to be happy too right? I've worked hard my whole life to be something and I'm almost 20 years old and I barely have anything to show for it. Other people don't do shit and they have a life. It's frustrating.

In other news...I'm on spring break. Which is awesome, if I wasn't working 27 hours. Not that bad since I don't have homework or anything but still. Soon I will be headed to the beach to spend some much needed away time with my amazing family. Hopefully this won't be a terrible Spring Break. I just wish I could have had something more to do when I found out that info. :(

*sigh of relief*

Sometimes writing everything down and then erasing it is the cathartic thing in the world.

Always end on a good note...

Well that sucked a lot. Irony is a beautiful thing when applied correctly. When applied to my life it sucks. Majorly sucks. No details because this is after all the internet and who knows who might actually be reading this ridiculous thing. But irony sucks. It showed me what I was becoming even though I hadn't done this particular thing in a while when I went to go check some things out there it was. I guess the last bit was a bit redeeming. I mean thank God I am sort of normal. I need something to focus my attention on. I just don't know what. I mean I guess I could pour my life into school but school is boring for the most part. I would rather be doing something I love. But I don't know what I love. I love music, and reading. I love sleeping. I doubt there is anything about these things that can be constructed into a career. Blah. Oh well. Today was good. Here's why :)

1) Found out I worked 34 hours and 42 minutes last week. Which means this week's paycheck is gonna be AWESOME.
2) Had a decent day at work. No one pissed me off too badly.
3) Learned how to play the HP theme on the piano which is pretty flippin' awesome as well.
4) Did amazingly well on my pledge test that I for real thought I was going to fail.
5) Met and talked to a lot of people in my pledge class. :)
6) Met my big! He's seems sweet.
7) Got to wear my new clothes!

So lots of good things about today. It was also the start of my birthday month! The countdown begins. :) Only 25 more days of being a teen! I'm gonna make the best of it!

Until the urge to write flares up again,
Jeska

And breath.

Words can't even describe how excited I will be to get out of this place. I am so not happy here. It might sound selfish but there is just not enough me here. I mean I know I said I didn't care and I don't really, but I want my next place to be happy and bright. Not this sad pathetic dark place. I mean really? How old am I 19 or 91? You'd think 91 when you look at this place. The only things that make it a little younger are the things that I absolutely put my food down on. I'm just so sick of people thinking they understand when what they need to understand is to leave me alone. If I want to talk I will. If I don't that probably means I don't want to listen to you rambling on about some bullshit or another.
IN OTHER NEWS, I will be 20 soon and I plan on having a kick ass birthday party. My sister came up with a good idea, she said Cinco de Mayo themed (or I guess we could just say Mexican). I think it would be a lot of fun. The only bad thing is so many of my best friends live so flippin' far away. Hopefully they would still come. Well I better get to bed. Early shift in the morning and God knows I won't sleep for a long time.

Until my next,
Jeska

Barely Halfway

It never ceases to amaze me. Change is always happening. Right now. I mean two days ago I was happier than I've been in MONTHS. And now I'm sobbing in bed over accounting homework. No, I'm not on my period. I'm just stressed to the point of death. I'm trying my best and this time my best doesn't seem to be enough. All I feel like doing is crying my eyes out. I actually calculated if I would be able to drop the damn class and get a new teacher next semester. Every little thing seems to be setting me off. Ugh. I just want to be done with school and I'm barely halfway done.

It's a Brand New Day...

And the sun is high...all the birds are singing...

Well not quite. It is 12:30 AM. And the end of that song is kinda weird. But I am a lot happier than normal here lately. As long as I don't have to deal with the few people in my life that annoy me more than, well more than themselves. Because I can't think of anything as annoying to compare them to. Here's one for Katie to understand, they are more annoying then running out of note cards the last night you have to study the minute after the nearest place with note cards closes. BUT, I haven't been having to deal with that lately for a few reasons.
Reasons
1) I went home this weekend and I got to hang out with two of the most amazing friends any one could ask for. We drank silly things and laughed and had a blast while watching movies that were made for kids half our age.
2) I got to spend time with my amazing mother. She seriously is the best. She was sick, but we watched movies and talked and I love her. I would be lost without my mom.
3) I spent some time with my sister and that normally puts me in a good mood.
4) I got to see Taylor! Taylor always makes me happy, because he treats me better than any boyfriend ever could. (At least he's the standard I will be measuring them against)
5) I bought my new computer! Which Taylor so graciously customized for me! I'm super excited.
6) I got to watch Glee!
7) This one wasn't today but it has made a huge impact on my life already, I am pledging Alpha Kappa Psi, the professional business fraternity. I can't even explain how excited I am about this. Like it's just unreal.

That's about it for now. I'm happy. Which doesn't happen often if you read this a lot. It's just a young girl trying to find her way through life. And you know, I think a lot more people should blog. It's better than just writing your thoughts down. It's letting you see them come to life and it's easier for you to examine them. And if you want others to see them then they can. And if they want they can comment and maybe help you out of some tough situation. But now I'm just rambling. So it's bedtime. But before I go, just a little shout-out,

Dear World,
I can handle you. I know I can. I don't want you to throw your worst at me. But I think we can be friends. Let's see if you can handle me now.

Until next time,
Jeska

Dude, I don't even know.

I feel like I don't have anything where I can just complain anymore. It used to be facebook, then everyone and their grandmother (including mine) got a facebook. Then it was twitter, now family is on twitter too. So I guess I'm glad no one reads this thing because that means that I can still rant and rave as much as my hormones will let me. They are raging today. It's been a good day though. There were a few things that annoyed me and set me off a bit but I think it's alright. I need a planner. I've got too much going on in my life right now to not have a planner. Maybe it's good that I don't have anyone else to account for right now. I don't know if I could handle it. Especially if he was clingy. I don't think I could handle that even in a normal aspect. I like this place. It lets me get my thoughts out there and let's me sort through them without fear of someone reading them and being stupid to me about it. Let's be real, this blog is for me. And if my friends want to comment on it they can. It's a way for me to get my thoughts out of my brain and onto something easier to understand. That's all. And now I'm done with my pointless rant. Bedtime.

New things?

I think I'm pretty.
I think I'm smart.
I think I have plenty of chances to be successful in my lifetime.
I will get married.
I will have children.
I know this because it's what I've dreamed of all my life. And if it doesn't happen for me then I don't know what I'll do. I really don't.
Lately I've been considering transferring to another school because I am so obviously miserable here. I want to stay in business but the two schools I would love to go to aren't on the Princeton Review Best 300 list. So my mom won't even let me consider them. I'm not really sure what to do. I know I need to get out more. I understand that. And you might ask, why don't you get out now? And the answer to that is because I have work in the morning. Lame, but I don't like to be insanely tired for work. It puts me in a bad mood. Maybe I should start trying though. I want to get better at meeting people and the only way to do that is practice. I'm sure there are people out there who would love to meet me. I'm not a completely horrible person, am I? Maybe I'll try some new things.