IDK

I don't know why I feel like I need to write this but I do. I'm having a lot of thoughts since I've been home. People keep assuming things. I think some of these assumptions are right. But I want to write them out and give myself some explanation. I guess.
1) Yes, I do still like him. I think. My stomach still flips when I see him unexpectedly. I blush when I think about him. I want to know what went wrong. I want to talk to him again. I miss him.
2)I truly am sorry. I was a complete bitch and he didn't deserve that. Michael, you didn't deserve that. I treated you wrong and I'm sorry. All I can do is apologize and hope you can forgive me. I miss being able to rely on you for random trivia.
3)I'm probably moving in with my dad next year. I love my dad but it's going to be weird.
4)I'm going to be alone on New Year's. That sucks a lot.
I guess that's pretty much it but I still feel like there is so much more to say. Maybe one day I'll finally feel like I've said all I need to say. Until then...

Rescue Me?

Today has been rough. Seems like that's all I have is rough days, but that's only because I write when I need to and I need to when I have a bad day. Today I need to write because of a few things. My roommates left for Christmas break yesterday so I've got the apartment to myself. Which I thought I would actually like for a few reasons. Coming home to an empty apartment isn't that amazing. I haven't really connected with anyone this semester so I've got no one to talk to about all this. Especially since I feel like I'm loosing one of my dearest friends and I can't even say anything because I don't want anyone to change their minds based on how I feel unless their decision directly effects me. Which in this case it doesn't. I just want the absolute best for all of my friends. I want the best for myself too, but that is secondary. This being alone thing isn't all it's cracked up to be either. I feel like I have no one to talk to. And that no one really understands how I'm feeling. I want someone to rescue me. I don't know from what though. I just have this feeling that I need to be rescued.

Lucky

So today has been kind of rough. A lot of ups and downs. Tomorrow is not looking much better. Waking up to register my sister for her classes, turning in a paper that is not my best work, failing a test and then the first good thing of the day, going to have lunch with my old roommate. I'm still working over getting over things. It's not easy. I see a truck, I think of him. I eat cracker jacks, I think of him. I put my white flip flops on, I think of him. Don't get me wrong, I'm not moping around every time I think about him, but I'm not skipping off down a rainbow either. I miss having that bond with someone. I don't think it was necessarily him that I miss. I am worried about him now though. I'm not sure he's doing okay and that bothers me. It shouldn't because I don't have a connection to him anymore but it does. certain people in my life are really starting to annoy me. I don't really know what to do about it because I can't just get rid of them. At this point it really wouldn't bother me to just up and leave. I want a do-over. Maybe I'd be happier if I had done things differently. With me it's all or nothing with regrets. If things are going well I regret nothing I've ever done because then I wouldn't be were I was in that moment. But when things get this bad I can't help but think of the possibilities I could have had. It infuriates me. Then I'm thankful for the wonderful people I have in my life. I don't know what I would do without them. I'm thankful for my mom who, bless her heart, has dealt with my insane mood swings my entire life. Then there is my sister who, Lord knows, I wouldn't be the same person without her. Take that as good or bad, but I love my sister dearly. And of course Melissa and Bailey. Melissa is truly my soul mate. I don't know what I would have done without her, but I know that if I find her in male form I'm set for life, though I don't know if I can deal with that much craziness! I love her. And Bailey, no matter how quiet she is, I know she's listening. I can always count on her when I just need someone to be there for me. I'm thankful I have a job and so many opportunities ahead of me. I'm so lucky.

Dear World,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I've hurt you. I'm sorry if anything I've done has caused you pain. Normally I just forget about the pain that has been done to me and I move on. I can't seem to do this right now. I don't know why but what he did to me won't go away. Three months doesn't seem like a lot compared to nineteen years of growing up but to me it was. I don't know why. I may just be building it up in my head but even when I think about the times I was curled up in my bed crying my eyes out because of him I can't seem to think badly of him. Only myself. How could I not see he wasn't into it. Didn't he give me the clues that he didn't like me? Didn't I just disregard them? It's my fault right? Right? I grew to like him. I didn't really at first. Sure, I thought he was cute. And yeah, he was nice. But then he asked me out. I thought I liked him. We got along. He made me smile. And he gave amazing hugs. I felt safe with him. I didn't think he would hurt me. But you never think the ones in your life are going to hurt you and those who do are the ones who surprise you the most. I never thought I'd hurt myself, and I beat me up daily. I never thought my dad would leave me. What little girl thinks her Daddy will decide she's not enough to hold him there? Not this one. Then you've got the friends that stay around for 13 years and get boyfriends who become fiances and they decide that's more important. And then you've got boyfriends, who become exes. That you actually believed might stay around for longer than three months. And those three months don't seem like long, but you aren't giving up the three months you were with them, you give up the eternity you could actually picture with them. And that's a whole lot more than anything that can happen in three months. And then to find out that the whole thing only happened because his mother forced it breaks your heart more than anything. He never liked you. You were never good enough. Those kisses that meant so much to you meant nothing to him. That little brush of his hand moving the hair from your face, that meant nothing. When you asked will it be okay when I leave and he answered it will be okay, it will always be okay, yeah he probably had a good laugh at that one. He knew it was going to end. He just didn't know when. But he knew it would be soon. I just feel like I need to know. The things he did conflicted with the things I've been told, so I just want to know the truth. I'm at least worth that aren't I?

Different

Changes always seem to cause problems in people's lives. Just look around, how many people freak out because everything is always the same? Not many. After a big change in my life I've started to think about what could have happened. Probably was going to happen, if only I'd been a tad more patient. I'm not saying that I regret anything that did happen, because I really truly don't. It was a good learning experience, but now I know what I don't want. However, what I don't know is, I can't even finish that thought because there is so much I don't know. I always felt bad these last few months because whenever things got harder than I wanted I wondered. What if I hadn't given up so easily. What if things with you had moved faster. So many what if's and no way to get an answer. All I can do if pray. Maybe, if it's the right thing there will be a way to make it happen now. Maybe not. I can complete that thought a bit now, I don't know if what I want is what is good for me. Or if I even want it anymore. Change throws everything into such a sharp perspective that I keep analyzing every little thing. But it makes me realize that change is good. So, here I am, changed for the better. Bring it on.

Jeska

My Bucket List

1) I wanna go on an Alaskan cruise with Melissa.

2) I wanna see an Orca whale in the wild.

3) See the Northern Lights.

4)Write a book.

5) Buy a boat.

6) Be quoted somewhere.



Will be added to later...maybe. :)

Better Days:)

Since last time a lot has happened. Some good, some bad, and some wonderful. First off, Jackson passed. :( He's in a better place now. I miss him terribly but I know he's better now. The good that has happened is hanging out with my friends more. AKA all the time :D I'm loving that. And the great is this boy. :) His name is Anthony and he's pretty much the best. I'm incredibly happy :) So while this summer has had some pretty bad stuff it's also had some pretty amazing stuff. One more month until move-in day :D

:/

Wow, it's been a while. Things are kind of sucking today so I thought why not get it all out there. So my baby is sick. and when I say baby, I mean my 13 year old dog. Jackson is probably the love of my life. We've had him for 13 years and he's part of the family. I had to take him to the vet and leave him there. My baby looked at me like I'd betrayed him. It broke my heart, so I went to my car and cried. This is when I discovered that my window was broken. It won't roll up. So let's all pray for no rain, shall we? After this I went and had lunch with my best friend. That was pretty awesome. I signed up for driving school to finally take care of that blasted ticket I got. Stupid state troopers. Then I had to go home and get ready for work, which mildly sucked. It wasn't too terrible but it wasn't amazing either. I have tomorrow off though. Then I went out with some friends which would have been good if I weren't so flippin' awkward around certain people. Gah. Sometimes I hate myself. I just don't know how to act around people. It doesn't help that I'm trying to save my heart from being shattered, again. :/ Not in the best mood, trying to procrastinate sleeping. Oh, well.

Jeska

Dear Boy,
You do not even know this is about you, but I feel like I should say it. You make me incredibly happy. I love spending time with you and would like for that to happen more often. We should make this possible, even if you do confuse me to no end.
Lots of Like,
Jeska

Dear Facebook,
You are too distracting. I could not even establish a credible argument in my paper due to your distractions. Not cool, Facebook. This is not acceptable.
Annoyed,
Jeska

Dear Roommates,
I love you dearly but you are almost as distracting as Facebook. This is also not cool.
Love,
Jeska

Dear Lakeside Parking,
You suck. That is all.
Hatefully,
Jeska

Dear Life,
I love you. You are awesome.
Love,
Jeska

blah. blah. blah.

Stop talking that blah, blah, blah.

I am so sick of people. Today was awful. I don't think it's going to get any better. The only good thing that happened today was I didn't have to do anything in speech and I got to sign up on the last day for speeches so I have more time to work on it. The list of bad things that have happened today is too long to post on here. Plus I don't want a recap. Pray for me. Today was that bad.

Jeska.

Skittles!

The last few days have been pretty great. :) Here's what happened.

Saturday- I worked from 7 to 3, that part kinda sucked but I work with awesome people so it's a plus. Then this wonderful fella took me to dinner.He's pretty much amazing. He's also like my brother from another mother. :) After dinner we went over to a friends house and play a nerdy game that I love.

Sunday- I went to church with my cute little family.

Then I went to my Daddy's and got a huge bag of skittles for Easter. After that I came home and hung out with my amazingly awesome roomies.

Monday- Woke up super early and registered for my classes (got all the ones I wanted! yay!) Then I only had two classes to go to. I had lunch with my wonderful Father. :)


Then I organized the above mentioned skittles into seperate colored bags...Now I'm updating this. So a fairly productive day, don't you think? :)
Yay good weekends/Monday's!

Until again ;),
Jeska

How To Make A Bad Day Better

Since my day sucked royally. I'm going to list the things that made me happy before I toss myself into my bed.

things that made me smile today
1) My roomie telling me my shirt was pretty.
2) Fire drills
3) That boy in my English class
4) Chocolate ice cream
5) Finishing class waay early
6) Taylor's Lautner and Swift

the end,

Jeska

Campus Greetings

As most people know, when you leave high school you may stay in touch with a select few people but what about the rest? Today, I witnessed or participated in greetings with various levels of acquaintances.

First there's the awkward Walk-By. This happens when you know someone but you pretend you don't as you pass by.

After this there is the even more awkward niceties if the noticing that you actually know someone is unavoidable. Usually this is ended with, "We should totally hang out sometime!" We all know it will never happen.

A step after that is the "I had a class with you once so I'm going to wave and smile but not waste my time talking to you."

Then we've got the clingers. This is when you were decent friends with someone for a while in school, so they think you're still friends even though you haven't spoken since your last math class in high school. They walk with you or they sit with you while you eat, etc. Incredibly hard to get rid of and they will text you later, but you can just ignore them.

A step up from the clingers are the okay people. These are the ones you actually do hang-out with occasionally. So it's okay for them to do what the clingers do without getting annoying.

Finally you've got your friends. These you make plans with to hang-out and spend time with.

After your friends you've got your simple attack huggers. These are the best of all of them. Who wouldn't want to be squeezed so tightly that you can't breathe for a few seconds? <3

Hope you enjoyed this simple breakdown of relationships once out of college.
Until then,
Jeska <3

8)

I probably blog to much. I must admit it is becoming quite addicting. I almost like that no one reads it because I can be freeeeeeee. :D So today, I went to the doctor. She said nothing's wrong that can't be fixed with some physical therapy and a DEEP TISSUE MASSAGE. Dude, I'm totally psyched. Yes, I realize I just showed my age on that one. Now I'm going to take something from my wonderful friend and awesome roomie, Katie.

Things That Made Me Happy Today
1) Hardee's Breakfast <3
2)Daddy giving me gas money :D
3) "According to You" on the radio twice.
4) Cleaning (shocking I know!)
5) Talking to my mommy.
6) A Lakeside parking spot.
7) Talking to my sister <3
8) Thinking about my birthday!
9) Not having to go to court in Mobile!!!
10) Texting my friends <3

I have a pretty awesome life. I'm glad that I can see it like that. That's all folks!

Best,
Jeska

The Week Ahead

This week is bound to be interesting. Not really sure why I keep updating this even though my roomie, Katie, is the only one who reads it but oh well. Here's my week in a nutshell!

Monday-done.
Tuesday- Speak-Off, meaning I dress up super cute and have people judge me on how I talk. Lots of fun.
Wednesday- Neurosurgeon. I'm scared to death.
Thursday- Um, nothing.
Friday- The grandparentals are arriving. MUST CLEAN ALL PARTS OF ROOM!!!
Saturday- 19th birthday! Sisters, best frand, and the best roommates a girl could ask for will all be joining me in a celebration of my birth.
Sunday- Dinner with the Daddy. Always a good time. :)

And then it will begin again, but next week won't be as interesting.

Sucktastic Day

I woke up this morning to take my sick puppy to the vet, only to realize after I'd been there 20 minutes that they were closed. So, I went back to bed. My poor puppy has been sick for a few days now. I got him to eat some rice so I think he's getting better now. The really bad part is that he's so old that I thought we might loose him today. I cried my eyes out a few times. I can't even bear to think about loosing him. Luckily I have amazing friends that help me when I need it.

To try and get my mind off things, I've been reading this book someone lent me.

It's okay. I don't love it, but it's something to do. Tomorrow is my last day of Spring Break and then it's back to school. Blah. Oh, well. I get to see some amazing people that I've missed. :) Plus, it's the start of my birthday week.

<3
Jeska

Fun Day!

Today was pretty awesome! I went to The Depot with some pretty cool people.

This amazing girl being one of them.
Then we drove to random places looking for a jacket for her. Taylor and Anthon
y were also there, but they don't take pictures with me. Now I am home with my babies (aka my dogs and kitty), and I am watching Harry Potter. <3

Not my favorite of all the movies, but they are previewing Deathly Hallows. :D That's all for today!

Until again,
Jeska <3

Neeew.

Sooo,this is new to me. I'm doing this because my awesome roomie, Katie, seems to like it a lot. And I tried to upload a picture of us, but my computer is ridiculously slow.

This is all for now because it is for real late and I need some sleep.:)

Until next time,
Jeska <3