Barely Halfway

It never ceases to amaze me. Change is always happening. Right now. I mean two days ago I was happier than I've been in MONTHS. And now I'm sobbing in bed over accounting homework. No, I'm not on my period. I'm just stressed to the point of death. I'm trying my best and this time my best doesn't seem to be enough. All I feel like doing is crying my eyes out. I actually calculated if I would be able to drop the damn class and get a new teacher next semester. Every little thing seems to be setting me off. Ugh. I just want to be done with school and I'm barely halfway done.

It's a Brand New Day...

And the sun is high...all the birds are singing...

Well not quite. It is 12:30 AM. And the end of that song is kinda weird. But I am a lot happier than normal here lately. As long as I don't have to deal with the few people in my life that annoy me more than, well more than themselves. Because I can't think of anything as annoying to compare them to. Here's one for Katie to understand, they are more annoying then running out of note cards the last night you have to study the minute after the nearest place with note cards closes. BUT, I haven't been having to deal with that lately for a few reasons.
Reasons
1) I went home this weekend and I got to hang out with two of the most amazing friends any one could ask for. We drank silly things and laughed and had a blast while watching movies that were made for kids half our age.
2) I got to spend time with my amazing mother. She seriously is the best. She was sick, but we watched movies and talked and I love her. I would be lost without my mom.
3) I spent some time with my sister and that normally puts me in a good mood.
4) I got to see Taylor! Taylor always makes me happy, because he treats me better than any boyfriend ever could. (At least he's the standard I will be measuring them against)
5) I bought my new computer! Which Taylor so graciously customized for me! I'm super excited.
6) I got to watch Glee!
7) This one wasn't today but it has made a huge impact on my life already, I am pledging Alpha Kappa Psi, the professional business fraternity. I can't even explain how excited I am about this. Like it's just unreal.

That's about it for now. I'm happy. Which doesn't happen often if you read this a lot. It's just a young girl trying to find her way through life. And you know, I think a lot more people should blog. It's better than just writing your thoughts down. It's letting you see them come to life and it's easier for you to examine them. And if you want others to see them then they can. And if they want they can comment and maybe help you out of some tough situation. But now I'm just rambling. So it's bedtime. But before I go, just a little shout-out,

Dear World,
I can handle you. I know I can. I don't want you to throw your worst at me. But I think we can be friends. Let's see if you can handle me now.

Until next time,
Jeska

Dude, I don't even know.

I feel like I don't have anything where I can just complain anymore. It used to be facebook, then everyone and their grandmother (including mine) got a facebook. Then it was twitter, now family is on twitter too. So I guess I'm glad no one reads this thing because that means that I can still rant and rave as much as my hormones will let me. They are raging today. It's been a good day though. There were a few things that annoyed me and set me off a bit but I think it's alright. I need a planner. I've got too much going on in my life right now to not have a planner. Maybe it's good that I don't have anyone else to account for right now. I don't know if I could handle it. Especially if he was clingy. I don't think I could handle that even in a normal aspect. I like this place. It lets me get my thoughts out there and let's me sort through them without fear of someone reading them and being stupid to me about it. Let's be real, this blog is for me. And if my friends want to comment on it they can. It's a way for me to get my thoughts out of my brain and onto something easier to understand. That's all. And now I'm done with my pointless rant. Bedtime.

New things?

I think I'm pretty.
I think I'm smart.
I think I have plenty of chances to be successful in my lifetime.
I will get married.
I will have children.
I know this because it's what I've dreamed of all my life. And if it doesn't happen for me then I don't know what I'll do. I really don't.
Lately I've been considering transferring to another school because I am so obviously miserable here. I want to stay in business but the two schools I would love to go to aren't on the Princeton Review Best 300 list. So my mom won't even let me consider them. I'm not really sure what to do. I know I need to get out more. I understand that. And you might ask, why don't you get out now? And the answer to that is because I have work in the morning. Lame, but I don't like to be insanely tired for work. It puts me in a bad mood. Maybe I should start trying though. I want to get better at meeting people and the only way to do that is practice. I'm sure there are people out there who would love to meet me. I'm not a completely horrible person, am I? Maybe I'll try some new things.

IDK

I don't know why I feel like I need to write this but I do. I'm having a lot of thoughts since I've been home. People keep assuming things. I think some of these assumptions are right. But I want to write them out and give myself some explanation. I guess.
1) Yes, I do still like him. I think. My stomach still flips when I see him unexpectedly. I blush when I think about him. I want to know what went wrong. I want to talk to him again. I miss him.
2)I truly am sorry. I was a complete bitch and he didn't deserve that. Michael, you didn't deserve that. I treated you wrong and I'm sorry. All I can do is apologize and hope you can forgive me. I miss being able to rely on you for random trivia.
3)I'm probably moving in with my dad next year. I love my dad but it's going to be weird.
4)I'm going to be alone on New Year's. That sucks a lot.
I guess that's pretty much it but I still feel like there is so much more to say. Maybe one day I'll finally feel like I've said all I need to say. Until then...

Rescue Me?

Today has been rough. Seems like that's all I have is rough days, but that's only because I write when I need to and I need to when I have a bad day. Today I need to write because of a few things. My roommates left for Christmas break yesterday so I've got the apartment to myself. Which I thought I would actually like for a few reasons. Coming home to an empty apartment isn't that amazing. I haven't really connected with anyone this semester so I've got no one to talk to about all this. Especially since I feel like I'm loosing one of my dearest friends and I can't even say anything because I don't want anyone to change their minds based on how I feel unless their decision directly effects me. Which in this case it doesn't. I just want the absolute best for all of my friends. I want the best for myself too, but that is secondary. This being alone thing isn't all it's cracked up to be either. I feel like I have no one to talk to. And that no one really understands how I'm feeling. I want someone to rescue me. I don't know from what though. I just have this feeling that I need to be rescued.

Lucky

So today has been kind of rough. A lot of ups and downs. Tomorrow is not looking much better. Waking up to register my sister for her classes, turning in a paper that is not my best work, failing a test and then the first good thing of the day, going to have lunch with my old roommate. I'm still working over getting over things. It's not easy. I see a truck, I think of him. I eat cracker jacks, I think of him. I put my white flip flops on, I think of him. Don't get me wrong, I'm not moping around every time I think about him, but I'm not skipping off down a rainbow either. I miss having that bond with someone. I don't think it was necessarily him that I miss. I am worried about him now though. I'm not sure he's doing okay and that bothers me. It shouldn't because I don't have a connection to him anymore but it does. certain people in my life are really starting to annoy me. I don't really know what to do about it because I can't just get rid of them. At this point it really wouldn't bother me to just up and leave. I want a do-over. Maybe I'd be happier if I had done things differently. With me it's all or nothing with regrets. If things are going well I regret nothing I've ever done because then I wouldn't be were I was in that moment. But when things get this bad I can't help but think of the possibilities I could have had. It infuriates me. Then I'm thankful for the wonderful people I have in my life. I don't know what I would do without them. I'm thankful for my mom who, bless her heart, has dealt with my insane mood swings my entire life. Then there is my sister who, Lord knows, I wouldn't be the same person without her. Take that as good or bad, but I love my sister dearly. And of course Melissa and Bailey. Melissa is truly my soul mate. I don't know what I would have done without her, but I know that if I find her in male form I'm set for life, though I don't know if I can deal with that much craziness! I love her. And Bailey, no matter how quiet she is, I know she's listening. I can always count on her when I just need someone to be there for me. I'm thankful I have a job and so many opportunities ahead of me. I'm so lucky.