Angstangstangst

Everyone is falling in love and getting married and I'm so behind the curb I can't even wonder what it might be like. I don't get it. Is it because I care so much? If so that's got to be the stupidest thing I have ever heard. If that were true then I would have found the love of my life this past semester. I didn't even care about anything but myself and school and akpsi. All I wanted was to do well and get in to akpsi. And I did. Now it's summer and I don't have anything to focus on but how my friends (and exes) are all finding the loves of their lives. And even if they haven't found that special person yet, they've at least found someone to share a simple part of their life with. I had three months. Three months is nothing. Why not me?

Figuring it all out...

I am smart.
I am pretty, sometimes beautiful, always lovely.
I care way too much and trust entirely too much.
I trust God.
I'm working my way through school.
I was hurt a long time ago and still haven't gotten over it.
I attach myself to people and when they leave it hurts more than it should.
I bottle all my feelings up only letting the people closest to me see them.
I've been hurt by my dad, an ex, and most guys I've ever had feelings for...but I still believe that there is one guy out there who will treat me like the princess I am.
I'm spoiled.
I'm sassy.
I'm a brat.
I'm one of the most caring people you will ever meet.
It kills me when anyone has anything bad to say about me.
I take things incredibly personally.
I am generally a happy person.
I like to wallow in my sadness though.
Sometimes I just enjoy the beautiful melancholy of sadness.
Being around people is what gets me out of my moods.
I used to do somethings I'm not proud of and sometimes I still get the urge, but I know now that it's not worth it.
I crave the life of a mother. It's in my nature. I want kids and I want to stay home with them, maybe only until they go off to school, but I want to be there for my kids when they come into my life.
I love compliments.
I hate wearing shoes or socks.
I love reading, but only if it's not required.
My mom is the strongest person I know. I never realized how much she went through until I go back and think about it now. I could have made life so much easier on her. I hope I'm doing better now.
My sister and I have always had a rocky relationship, but I don't think I could be everything that I am today without her. She's as much a part of my life as the left side of my brain.
My life has been up in the air here lately, but all the little pieces are falling together. At least in my brain.
Once this semester is over, I think I'm home free. College will still be work, but I can actually see the end in sight now.
My friends keep me sane, new and old. They are all learning about me everyday and helping me get through this crazy time in life.
I love wearing dresses.
I'm anxious for the rest of my life to begin, but I'm dealing with now just fine too.
I'm going to go through and read this every time I start feeling down.
I know I'm not the only person in the world with problems, but when you're having problems you don't want to deal with anyone else's.
Bright colors brighten my mood.
That's all for now, but I might add on later. Somehow all of these things add up to the person I'm becoming. I'm not quite done yet, and I don't know if I ever will be. But that's the point of life. Figuring everything out, whether it takes 20 years or 98. :)

April 16th addition
In light of all these things about me it is really hard for me to see why I don't have someone who loves me. I'm blessed in my life to have such an amazing family base and my friends are kick ass. But I want someone to have a connection with. I want to be able to learn all these little things about someone else because that's when you truly know someone. When you can tell anyone else that person's preference on socks and shoes. When you know exactly how many ice cubes they want in a drink, or with a single look can tell that they are thirsty. Even if its just luck, having that weird almost ESP with someone is special. I'm so incredibly lucky to share that with people like my sister, and my best friends. They mean the world to me. I crave more though. I crave the person that can read my mind and know that with one look, I want to be alone, or I want to be held or I'm cold. I want to know someone that well. And I want someone to get to know me that well. I want that mutual love and affection that I KNOW still exists somewhere. I will find it. I don't know when and I don't know how but I know it's out there still.

This is my cry for help. I'm slowly losing my mind here. I've realized about myself that I want love so badly that when I get anywhere near it I blow it so much out of proportion that my heart gets shattered into a thousand pieces before I ever give it away. I'm breaking my own heart. I'm damaged and probably irreparable.

Ever seen The Holiday? When Cameron Diaz's character freaks out about women finding love because they start to look haggard? And women over 30 have a better chance of being killed by a terrorist than finding love? Yeah, I'm on the verge of having a similar freak out. I'm living in a town where there are frequently thousands of people trying to do the exact same thing I'm doing. And not only are we running out of room here, our university president is trying to fit even MORE people on campus. Which means less apartments/living spaces available for those of us who have been here for two years already. I don't know what to do. I need somewhere to live but I just can't seem to find anywhere. I don't want to live in a crappy apartment again. I want to live somewhere nice where I feel safe. But I think the only way to do that is have a roommate and I just don't have anyone that I want to live with. Plus the only places that do roommate matching are super expensive and it's slightly ridiculous. Frustrating does not even begin to describe this process.

Happy Post!

This is the spring break I was meant to have. I had fun with my best friends at the begining and I made a couple bucks working but today has just been awesome. I was on the beach at 11. Had lunch and then went back out till about 4. I got dressed and then went out to dinner with my amazing family. We has Mexican :) Then we went to this cute little bar called TC's Front Porch for their karaoke night. I sang TWO songs! And I had the time of my life. I don't care if I'm not the most amazing sing in the world! I had guys at the bar singing along with me and cheering and it was AWESOME! I only wish my sister and my friends were down here too. It would have definitely made it even better. Who needs boys? Not me! Not with as high as I'm flying by myself right now! Tomorrow is going to be awesome too! We're going to lay out and then hit an outlet mall and after that, we get to have dinner with cousin's awesome husband! I'm so excited. This is by far the greatest spring break ever. :)

Too much.

I don't know what it is but when an ex gets someone new you can't help but compare yourself to them. Or at least I can't. I mean even if you're only with the person for a short time its still a big part of your life. You learn so much in a relationship and you grow up so much. Or at least I do. I don't want any one of my ex's to be sad for the rest of their lives. I'm happy for them. They deserve to be happy. But that doesn't mean I don't deserve to be happy too right? I've worked hard my whole life to be something and I'm almost 20 years old and I barely have anything to show for it. Other people don't do shit and they have a life. It's frustrating.

In other news...I'm on spring break. Which is awesome, if I wasn't working 27 hours. Not that bad since I don't have homework or anything but still. Soon I will be headed to the beach to spend some much needed away time with my amazing family. Hopefully this won't be a terrible Spring Break. I just wish I could have had something more to do when I found out that info. :(

*sigh of relief*

Sometimes writing everything down and then erasing it is the cathartic thing in the world.