What a bright little ray of sunshine.

I can recite the words to most Disney classic songs.
When someone says, "Hey, now," I either think of All-Star or The Lizzie McQuire movie.
I reread my favorite book at least once most years, it's The Truth About Forever.
I love Harry Potter and when I need something to think about before bed to get my mind off whatever I'm stressed about or scared about I play the first movie in my head, I can do the whole thing line by line.
If that doesn't work then I plan my wedding. I doubt the details I've chosen will stick but it's fun to think about.
I love my job. No matter how much I complain about it, I do love it. I get to have fun at work with great people. The customers aren't always fabulous but sometimes you get a good one that makes it worth it.
People keep asking me where I see myself, or what my dream job is. I can't answer this one honestly in an interview. I want to have kids and stay with them. I want to have a relationship with my kids that aren't even conceived yet. That's what I want to do with the rest of my life. Maybe when they're old enough I'll go out and do something. I want them to be my career. It's the only think I've ever been passionate about and I don't even know if I'll get that chance.
This is me. I just need to find someone that understands and accepts that.

Why, Hello, there.

It's been a while, no? I just thought I'd come back and try to do this thing. Everyone has been doing a hash tag on twitter for #40thingsaboutme so here's mine :)
1) I can't watch scary things. Even comedies. Zombieland still gives me nightmares.
2) I have one of the best jobs ever, no matter how much I complain about it.
3) My family is amazing. I would do anything for any of them.
4) I used to not feel this way about my family. I used to not like them very much and was dead set on getting as far away from them as possible. Now I'm not sure I could stand to be more than an hour away.
5) Reading is my passion. I'm bad about rereading old stuff instead of finding new things though.
6) I may claim that I hate people frequently but in general I don't mind them. It's only when customers are being dumb that I get frustrated.
7) After I take a shower I use a beach towel instead of a bath towel, because they are softer.
8) I bite my nails.
9) I like to drink socially.
10) When I get angry I cuss like a sailor.
11) Retail therapy works.
12) When I read a book I literally feel like I am part of that story. I become the main character and I live through them.
13) I could read quotes for hours. My favorites right now of Eistein, Twain, and Marilyn Monroe.
14)A movie doesn't have to be great for me to like it. As long as it keeps me entertained for the length of time it is playing, I'll enjoy it.
15) I hate when people look for deeper meanings in something that obviously won't have it.
16) Yet I tend to be someone who places meanings into things that shouldn't have them.
17) I sometimes genuinely think I am a horrible person.
18) It took me too many times that it should have to spell "genuinely" Thank God for spell check.
19) In fourth grade I cheated (a lot) on spelling tests.
20) I also faked my reading log because I hated to read.
21) I read Junie B. Jones books well into middle school.
22) After reading "A Wrinkle in Time" I was hooked on Madeline L'Engle.
23) I think green in my favorite color but it could change tomorrow.
24) I used to have my life all planned out. I was going to be married at 22. 2-3 kids by 30. Steady job, fabulous husband, lots of money.
25) Now, I don't even know what I want out of life, but figuring it out sure will be fun!
26) I've used the same comforter since I was four.
27) Bugs scare the hell out of me. If I see a bug I will scream and try to get away as quickly as possible. And make sure it dies.
28) My nose is my least favorite feature.
29) Eyes are the first thing I look at.
30) Sense of humor really is one of the most important things.
31) I can cook, I just don't know a lot of recipes.
32) I actually really enjoy cooking and baking.
33) While I may seem a bit bitter at my friends getting married and starting lives together I really am happy for them. They deserve the world.
34) I'm striving to looks for a man who looks at me the way my Uncle Johnny looks at my Aunt Peggy. Or knows me as well as my Pawpaw knows my Mawmaw.
35) I'm from the South. Get over it.
36) I don't like BBQ or peaches.
37) Sweet tea is amazing though.
38) I am the biggest klutz you will ever or have ever met.
39) I can do nothing artistic. At all.
40) I like who I am and I love who I will be.

Angstangstangst

Everyone is falling in love and getting married and I'm so behind the curb I can't even wonder what it might be like. I don't get it. Is it because I care so much? If so that's got to be the stupidest thing I have ever heard. If that were true then I would have found the love of my life this past semester. I didn't even care about anything but myself and school and akpsi. All I wanted was to do well and get in to akpsi. And I did. Now it's summer and I don't have anything to focus on but how my friends (and exes) are all finding the loves of their lives. And even if they haven't found that special person yet, they've at least found someone to share a simple part of their life with. I had three months. Three months is nothing. Why not me?

Figuring it all out...

I am smart.
I am pretty, sometimes beautiful, always lovely.
I care way too much and trust entirely too much.
I trust God.
I'm working my way through school.
I was hurt a long time ago and still haven't gotten over it.
I attach myself to people and when they leave it hurts more than it should.
I bottle all my feelings up only letting the people closest to me see them.
I've been hurt by my dad, an ex, and most guys I've ever had feelings for...but I still believe that there is one guy out there who will treat me like the princess I am.
I'm spoiled.
I'm sassy.
I'm a brat.
I'm one of the most caring people you will ever meet.
It kills me when anyone has anything bad to say about me.
I take things incredibly personally.
I am generally a happy person.
I like to wallow in my sadness though.
Sometimes I just enjoy the beautiful melancholy of sadness.
Being around people is what gets me out of my moods.
I used to do somethings I'm not proud of and sometimes I still get the urge, but I know now that it's not worth it.
I crave the life of a mother. It's in my nature. I want kids and I want to stay home with them, maybe only until they go off to school, but I want to be there for my kids when they come into my life.
I love compliments.
I hate wearing shoes or socks.
I love reading, but only if it's not required.
My mom is the strongest person I know. I never realized how much she went through until I go back and think about it now. I could have made life so much easier on her. I hope I'm doing better now.
My sister and I have always had a rocky relationship, but I don't think I could be everything that I am today without her. She's as much a part of my life as the left side of my brain.
My life has been up in the air here lately, but all the little pieces are falling together. At least in my brain.
Once this semester is over, I think I'm home free. College will still be work, but I can actually see the end in sight now.
My friends keep me sane, new and old. They are all learning about me everyday and helping me get through this crazy time in life.
I love wearing dresses.
I'm anxious for the rest of my life to begin, but I'm dealing with now just fine too.
I'm going to go through and read this every time I start feeling down.
I know I'm not the only person in the world with problems, but when you're having problems you don't want to deal with anyone else's.
Bright colors brighten my mood.
That's all for now, but I might add on later. Somehow all of these things add up to the person I'm becoming. I'm not quite done yet, and I don't know if I ever will be. But that's the point of life. Figuring everything out, whether it takes 20 years or 98. :)

April 16th addition
In light of all these things about me it is really hard for me to see why I don't have someone who loves me. I'm blessed in my life to have such an amazing family base and my friends are kick ass. But I want someone to have a connection with. I want to be able to learn all these little things about someone else because that's when you truly know someone. When you can tell anyone else that person's preference on socks and shoes. When you know exactly how many ice cubes they want in a drink, or with a single look can tell that they are thirsty. Even if its just luck, having that weird almost ESP with someone is special. I'm so incredibly lucky to share that with people like my sister, and my best friends. They mean the world to me. I crave more though. I crave the person that can read my mind and know that with one look, I want to be alone, or I want to be held or I'm cold. I want to know someone that well. And I want someone to get to know me that well. I want that mutual love and affection that I KNOW still exists somewhere. I will find it. I don't know when and I don't know how but I know it's out there still.

This is my cry for help. I'm slowly losing my mind here. I've realized about myself that I want love so badly that when I get anywhere near it I blow it so much out of proportion that my heart gets shattered into a thousand pieces before I ever give it away. I'm breaking my own heart. I'm damaged and probably irreparable.

Ever seen The Holiday? When Cameron Diaz's character freaks out about women finding love because they start to look haggard? And women over 30 have a better chance of being killed by a terrorist than finding love? Yeah, I'm on the verge of having a similar freak out. I'm living in a town where there are frequently thousands of people trying to do the exact same thing I'm doing. And not only are we running out of room here, our university president is trying to fit even MORE people on campus. Which means less apartments/living spaces available for those of us who have been here for two years already. I don't know what to do. I need somewhere to live but I just can't seem to find anywhere. I don't want to live in a crappy apartment again. I want to live somewhere nice where I feel safe. But I think the only way to do that is have a roommate and I just don't have anyone that I want to live with. Plus the only places that do roommate matching are super expensive and it's slightly ridiculous. Frustrating does not even begin to describe this process.

Happy Post!

This is the spring break I was meant to have. I had fun with my best friends at the begining and I made a couple bucks working but today has just been awesome. I was on the beach at 11. Had lunch and then went back out till about 4. I got dressed and then went out to dinner with my amazing family. We has Mexican :) Then we went to this cute little bar called TC's Front Porch for their karaoke night. I sang TWO songs! And I had the time of my life. I don't care if I'm not the most amazing sing in the world! I had guys at the bar singing along with me and cheering and it was AWESOME! I only wish my sister and my friends were down here too. It would have definitely made it even better. Who needs boys? Not me! Not with as high as I'm flying by myself right now! Tomorrow is going to be awesome too! We're going to lay out and then hit an outlet mall and after that, we get to have dinner with cousin's awesome husband! I'm so excited. This is by far the greatest spring break ever. :)